I always had this romantic view of women. Probably that's why as I've been maturing I seemed to have a hard time understanding them. I started imagining that they were something different than what women really are. Men would always be portraid as lying and cheating, being violent either physically or emotionally, whereas women were always seen as the victim. It was weird for me. Every song was pointing at this topic, movies had drama built on this, the media was talking about it and magazines and online publications were all talking about how men are cheating, lying bastards. It was weird for me. Mostly because I wasn't ever in a relationship with anybody officially and so it never crossed my mind to cheat or be bad for any reason. Why would I be acting like that in a situation I desired and with somebody I wanted to have close to me?
I was actually worrying I would get aggresive and abusive but had no real arguments as how that would happen to me. These boys would approach girls other than their girlfriends and start talking with them while I wasn't even having a single girl to talk to, without adding any additional layers of complexity on top of that. Was that something that would happen to me eventually? I was this confused.
On the other hand I imagined girls and women being this gullible creatures just waiting for a prince to save them. I also didn't want to start anything with anybody because... What if I change my mind? I tell some girl I like her and then, after getting to know her a bit, could I say I changed my attitude? That wasn't the honorable thing a man would do and this would follow me up for a lot of years. I mean in the end I didn't want to be a bad guy that everyone seemed to deal with. I wanted to be a good guy and for me and this hypothetical girl to be in a harmonious relationship.
Read before you buy
What really opened my eyes was a girl who really didn't like me in a romantic way. We were meeting face to face, we were having fun going out together, but she was absolutely zero percent interested in me. And when she moved away, we kept in touch. I was feeling confused why I couldn't captivate her. At that time I already had been in other relationships and this was the first time the subject wasn't even on the table. Still I went along with it wondering were it would lead me.
And what she taught me was really enlightening. Girls are as evil as these men in songs, movies and the media were talking about. Just that nobody is emphasizing it. She was in a relationship with somebody that was a really nice guy, she told me herself about him and all the things he was saying and doing for her. He was always interested to meet with her, he was buying her flowers, all in all he seemed he was really happy to be with her. And her? Well, she was just keeping herself busy all while keeping an eye on somebody else. He was at the same university as her, but he was dating somebody else. She didn't want to be single, why would she when she's having such a nice puppy to pamper her with attention and gifts and, meanwhile, she was assesing how this other guy's relationship was going. And it wasn't going all that well. What a joy!
I feelt sick. Physically. I had to throw up. I remember sitting in bed and the whole room was spinning. She was such an innocent, childish girl, laughing and talking about silly stuff, she seemed so easily impressed by the most mundane things and yet she was worse than the worst people I have even met. She was decieving a decent guy and on top of that she was planning on how to destroy another relationship just to have her prince. And she was casually saying those things to me and even putting some of her room mates to confirm that this is what women do. It was disgusting, it was sickening and it was all real. This wasn't some movie plot or lyrics from a song, these were actual deliberate actions affecting living people that, as well as me, lived without a hint as to what's happening to them. Was that something I had been part of as well? Were this kind of cranks and pulleys spinning behind my back in my first relationship? What a world I was living in!
And that is the central point to all of this. If men cheat it's a catastrophy and they get punished pretty hard for it, but if women cheat it's understandable. She doesn't love him anymore, she had a change of heart, she realized what her true feelings are, she was lonely/upset/etc. There is no way to reason with the heart and feminity is all about having a change of heart. While men try to be a bit chivalrous about it, or at least I was trying, women don't have to abide by the same rules. And that girl was the perfect example. She loved somebody else that she couldn't approach. So what? Isn't there a saying: everything's permitted in love and war?
Do you really want a relationship?
After starting my university classes, I also started to get more serious about finding someone. But I had no idea how. I was looking at my colleagues and I didn't know any of them. And I still didn't know I could ask them to go for a coffee and talk about what's happening around them. And certainly asking if they knew somebody who's single was as far as Pluto is from the Sun in my mind.
I was stuck with this idea that I have to target somebody and then do something to get their attention. I went to a few parties, but I had no idea what to do, went to a couple of clubs and, while being pulled by the odd girl, I still had no idea what to do. I just excused myself and went back to my group thinking I don't want to get involved into whatever drama was happening on that side of the dance floor.
But what I never thought about is: do I really want to be in a relationship? And if so, what would that be like?
Bad relationships
Being in a bad relationship is worse than being single. Getting your time taken away doing stuff you are not interested in, getting your weekends planned out before you have a time finishing what you are working on, having your finances scrutinized by your loved one is worse than just staying home alone with nothing to do.
I always thought being single is bad. But I had a lot of fun. I was doing the things I wanted, had free time, didn't really have financial problems and, at the end of the day, I was going to bed happy. That changed once I got into a relathionship. My free time and my hobbies didn't have enough space on the agenda anymore - and they were bad to begin with. Why do I like spending time gaming when I could what a boring TV series? Why do I have to rush at the Mall when we can spend hours and hours browsing clothes? I why do I have such a happy life when I can help other either by driving them, lending them money, going out and talk about all the things I don't enjoy. Or simply visiting her parents - that over time she actually despised.
Plan things out
Before getting serious about being in a serious relationship there is some homework I learnt I should've done. You need to define who you are and write down what makes you happy. Then write think about the things that you like and dislike. Like I was saying, women can be as bad as men, and, in some way, because they are let off the hook more easily, can surely be even worse than men.
Who you are
I always enjoyed computers. I always enjoyed computer games. I enjoyed anime and learning japanese - as well as other languages. I enjoyed programming and I definately enjoyed learning new things. My girlfriends were completely different. None of them understood computers, they had a bad time interacting with them. They didn't watch any anime and they couldn't care less I was learning Japanese or German or anything. And they didn't like hobbies. None of them had any of them. They were always about exams they had to take, helping family - either with their time or money or doing household chores.
And none of them were any kind of curious. About anything. They just did what they were supposed to do either for school or for work and the rest of the time - if any - was used to vent. They disliked their lives and as far as I could tell, couldn't even imagine doing something for fun.
While opposites attract is something I still believe in, I now know that it takes a certain type of personality to make that work. It requires emotional flexibility, that today we do what I like, tomorrow we do what you like and that, simply, I haven't seen in anybody.
How you function
I was a mess in highschool. When I was getting back in, I was throwing my clothes where ever, put on my home clothes and started doing whatever I felt like doing. I wasn't keeping my room clean and I didn't care. All until something clicked. Maybe it was some movie, TV show, anime, but I thought What if I put my clothes nicely? I don't remember when that happening, but I remember doing it and being amazed. Folding my school clothes took less than 5 minutes and the room stated to look strange. Better. Unexpectedly better for the low amount of work I put in.
Then I started cleaning the house. I made a ritual out of it. Every Saturday morning while my mother was still at work, I vacuumed and washed the floors, opened the windows and try to clean my desk. At the end of those two hours I was feeling renewed. I loved cleaning and I loved the feeling a tidy house brings.
Several years later I learnt how to organize a house better and I was even happier that I could always find what I was looking for - not that was happening to me often to begin with.
And this charatecteristic of being organized extends to everything in my life. I knew what highschool to go to, what university to go, what to study, how my job would be like and, generally, how my life should be.
And that all went out the window with the girls I was getting involved with. Some of them knew what they wanted - and weren't too shy to put me aside if I was in their way, others even used me to get what they wanted even though they didn't care about me at all, and some other were just a mess. They couldn't control five minutes out of their lives and I was the one who had to help them. I remember one time when visiting her parents. We were ready to go back home while she screamed: I can't find my phone, we are not going anywhere until you find it! Why me? Why do I have to take care of this situation and why am I being taken prisoner for something it's not mine?
Compatibility
Having someone to care about is, unfortunatelly, not enough. And I sucked at understanding that. I always thought people are self-reliant. I mean I was. I was responsible for my house, my food, my bills, my job. I didn't need any help to exist. And so I thought everybody else is. Sure, I can date a casheer girl, I can date a doctor or the Prime Minister. They would take care of their business, me of mine, and then we could meet in the evening, have a glass of wine, or tea, and enjoy each other's company. But that just isn't how women work, at least from my experience.
Whatever time I had free, had to used doing something "productive", whatever she was misplacing, I had to find. Whenever some friend of family member had any problems, I had to help her find a solution. I was the one that had it all figured out for myself so that meant I had to help others as well.
What advice would I give myself?
After all these years I can say relationships are very hard. Not because it's difficult to meet new people, not because everybody is cheating, not because women are emotional and they always want to search through your phone, but because it's difficult finding somebody who you can actually enjoy life with. You'd have to find somebody who:
- has similar hobbies;
- has desired characteristics (organized, planned, etc.);
- has a similar financial level (if you earn more than her, guess what will happen; I never dated anyone earning more than me);
- has a similar outlook in life (imagine if she wants to party until she's 50 and you want to chill at home);
- marriage, kids (and women want to have kids - no matter what);
And on top of that girls and women alike they don't know what they want. You want to go even deeper? Well, time changes people and so do women. My wife was a rather naive person when we were dating, but we got along fine. A few family crisis later and she doesn't have the time to be organized. She doesn't sleep well (even if at first she would fell asleep in five minutes). No, nowadays she has to take a lot of medication to be able to sleep and she isn't getting any resamblance of a good rest. So during the day she is always short tempered. And this has been happening for years now.
Another thing that I learnt is, before starting any relationship, ask yourselves: What do we want out of it? Fun, commitment, children? And accept the fact that you can end it up right there. Simply said it's not worth consuming the energy to "make it work" because somebody is willing to give you a chance.